THE VALUE OF SELF
Keeping your identity.
By Justin Alberts
During a recent trip to the mall, I was presented with a sight that for most people is rather common. It is something that doesn't even warrant a second glance these days - a couple (man and a woman) browsing through the men's clothing section, with the woman holding the pants up to the man's waist as if adjusting a mirror on the wall, to check the garment's size.
Something deep inside me squirmed at the thought of this man resigning his birth right, the skill that he had (or at least should have) worked long and hard to perfect - the ability to stylize himself and in so doing, create his own personal brand of awesome.
Instead of strutting purposefully into the store, ready to exercise his will, this poor fellow seemed resigned to the mediocrity of a blissfully median relationship existence - being dressed by his significant other, much like a poodle being dragged to the vet by an invisible collar.
This, dear friends, is a loss of self and should be fought at all costs. From the shores of Aldo to the peaks of Hilton Weiner! If not for your own sake, for that of your relationship.
Let me put things into perspective.
As a man (and for a woman too), much of your life is spent building your identity - this takes on many forms. One of those forms (on the most basic level) is your appearance.
You've groomed your "style" through the years - working your way through the minefield of different fashion trends, trying to make them work for you. Sometimes you've had success, other times failed spectacularly. Life is a tough mistress but you have assimilated the experiences and have added it to your armoury of what works and what doesn't. With time you have made fewer mistakes (hopefully) and the look that is you has been established. High five!
Being a bachelor of note and someone who has risen through the adversities of life to the pinnacle of suave, you own the right to carry yourself with pride. Dedicated fashion, grooming and accessorising rituals have been are formed. You are in your element. Pressed and sharp.
Then stars align - your personality is sterling, your look is defined, all your ducks are in a row and you're on the up-and-up... then you meet that someone special and hit it off smashingly. This is surely the beginning of something wonderful... and it is!
In time however, as with all relationships, you run the risk of naturally and inconspicuously morphing into one of those "comfortable" couples, to a more or less extent. You've seen your partner without make up more times than you have, she sees you every day in those sweatpants with the holes in them - life is.... like a pristine lake. No waves, no ripples, nothing to upset you, but also nothing much to move you on the relationship front.
This is where problems (in my opinion) start. The age old cliché, taking things for granted. People in these situations often lament over the loss of the "spark" - that things aren't as exciting as they were. So on and so forth, we all know the drill.
What I put to you in my postulation is this:
Part of what attracted you to each other was the initial excitement, that sure-fire confidence that you exuded - which in no small part came from your bachelor mind-set. We are all too easily conned into letting go of our bachelor ways (re: being acutely aware of your appearance and poise, and thinking beyond the here and now).
Since the media (and by media I mean the media that generates the feminist checklist of the ideal man) started singing praises to men who strive to push their inner femininity to new heights, women are being presented with men who are gravitating towards feminine on an emotional level on an ever increasing basis. Why is this a problem? Well, she was attracted to you as the man you were, not a BFF she-man. To that end, some level of the your old independence must be kept if you wish to retain the fire in your relationship and to give you pride in being a well rounded man in this day and age. Pride is not a sin gentlemen.
It might well be that men accept the woman in their lives’ need to dress them with a type of happiness and contentment - perhaps in the same way as when their mothers used to choose clothes for them. That is all good and well, but the level of familiarity one has towards a parent is the exact opposite to that which we should feel towards our partners. When you let your partner take over that part of your life, dressing you like a pseudo Ken doll, the spark and mystery is lost and replaced with something more akin to nurturing than that of passion.
With love and relationships already on such perilous ground in society these days, we as men should do our part, nay we owe it to ourselves AND our partners to keep some of the "manly sex appeal" alive.
Gentlemen, approach your appearance as if you are single and confident in yourself - don't ever let it go. If not for your relationship, then as a way to ensure that you will always be able to look in the mirror and like what you see - never having to ask the question, "where did that handsome man go?".
